it's when i'm sitting here doing nothing that i should blog. apprehension and vulnerablity are high on my list of feelings right now. but ya know all that feel the fear and do it anyway stuff, i think i should listen to that. actually i heard a nice version of that quote the other day. it kinda went. courage isn't about not feeling the fear, it's about deciding that the task is greater than the fear. well something like that-it sounded more poetic though. if i ever come across it again i'll post it.
i sat in a pub tonight surrounded by old friends and became overwhelmed with a sadness that although i love them i don't enjoy hanging out with them in that scene. i was almost thinking that i'm a limited me when i'm with them. not that i'm not me but that i'm exposing only a small part of myself. you might even say reverting back to how i used to be. time really does change you, well it expands you really, adds to you. and then depending on who you're with and where you are you can totally open yourself up or not at all and in between. i really like myself when i'm with certain people, other people make me question who i am.
being back in my home city after being basically away for two years is strange. lonely in ways. lots of my past is being re-presented to me, i meet parts of it face to face, not all good.
Space and Time, i think about them a lot.
Tomorrow i'm going to the funeral of a guy from my past, hadn't thought about him in a while, didn't think i'd ever be too aware of him again but then there's death and you become all too aware, it's unescapable.
that topic just opens up a whole array of connections but i don't feel like going into any of them right now, there'll be other times, won't there?
instead i'll revert to the trivial, the smell of fish oil from the sleeve of my hoody making me nauseous and my laziness in not taking it off and getting another jumper. but it's late and i'm cold and my bedroom is far away and i know if i go there i wont come back for a while. i should go there though, i do need to sleep and if i stay it won't be a surprise if i stay up too late talking to a friend, we've been known to really push out the length of a continuous conversation (not that i'm complaining or anything!)
i posted those B&W pics of me for him to use in his blog.
once i start writing about something i come up with a lot more things i want to write about, no doubt i'll be writing more soon